Notes app inner demon

I<3sunday scaries

Yesterday i saw someone repost a repost of a repost of a long screed that started with "there's a crisis of critical thinking" or something like that but idk what it said because I didn't read it and i cant find it now - but I'm having my own crisis like how to handle seasonal depression when it's too cold to go outside and what's my best angle and what lasers should i invest in and should i finish a book i don't like or do i not like it because I've been scrolling too much. there's a crisis of critical thinking or maybe people are thinking too much about themselves. Imagine how bored I am!

I haven't had a drink in 26 days. I haven't had a drink in 26 days and I don’t have glass skin and I still wake up feeling like shit half of the time. Sobriety might be virtuous but I'm not sure it's a virtue I'm interested in pursuing. I'm not sure I like the idea of facing life head on, no filter, but i'm impressed by those who do, or those who have to and can manage it.

Ive been working a lot and thinking a lot about work. In new york, happiness is measured by success and success is measured by the amount of work you do, or at least that's the idea a lot of us have but i'm not sure it's true. There's the grass is always greener situation that suburban nuclear families get sucked into but not us, not us artists living a fantasy life in new york city. A fantasy life measured in metrics constantly compared against others' - other artists, other influencers, other models, other designers, other media girls doing better than you are. in the end its all about beauty and money and attention and there's never enough to go around.

I've thinking a lot about competition, people climbing the ladder and kicking it down behind them so no one else can get up because the roof is about to cave in. am I one of those people? Do i have anything to share? People sometimes email me or send me messages on linked in asking how i got here but I'm not sure where i am. Right now i'm in bed and it's 1:45 and i promised myself i would leave the house before it got dark out. i wont do that but i will take my vitamins and lift my little weights and drink a smoothie and i already had sex today so that has to count for something.